I have so many words and I need to write them down. I need to make my blog private for family and friends and of course BBC, I love everyone there. Make sure you follow me, add yourself to my blog. I want to read your blogs to.
So tonight was pure HELL at my house. My blessings for staying home with my kids are out the window, since I started work yesterday. So Hailey is grounded today because she left yesterday while I was at work when I told her NO. I worked this morning so I was tired, we read scriptures early every morning and I came home and layed in bed and Hailey comes in for about an hour and hangs out with me which is perfectly normal she does everyday. Well she asks me if she can leave again with her friend Crystal. Of course I say no, she asks for an hour begging, saying she will do anything, she will clean or do anything. I still tell her no, explain why, and tell her I'm sorry she is grounded. So after the hour she goes to her room and starts texting me about how stupid it is that I ground her and that she isn't going to care anymore about anything and she wants me to kick her out of the house so she can live with her friend. So I go downstairs in her room , first of all I find diet pills so I flush them down the toilet, then I find out she is cutting again on her stomach. So then I take her phone and check texts, she knows I do this randomly and I find some swearing and texts I didn't feel good about so I took her phone. She flipped out, she threw things at me, started banging her head on the wall, kicking everything, screaming that she hates me so bad and I ruined her life. She was in full blown panic mode. So I call her dad to come over and talk to her, I was scared, Daran works 3-12 so he wasn't here. So he tells me to call the police and put her in Moeda, I freaked and was bawling telling him NO WAY!! SO after about 2 hours I called my brother Taft and his wife Jill to come over because Hailey totally loves them. SO they come over and talk to her and Mike and Janae came about an hour later. They got her calmed down, and Taft & Jill took her to their house. It took a while but at least I wasn't hearing how she just wants to die and she doesn't care and she hates me. UGG
So Taft and Jill are a life saver for me, I love them so much they have helped me out so many times. They are so amazing. I need to get my Hailey back in therapy and get her some help. She really is pleasant most of the time. She loves her sisters and brother and plays with Luke most of the day. She has wonderful mother qualities. I just love her so much and I know I'm being really protective but I just want her to be happy. I let her go with her friends almost everyday, but if I say no about anything she freaks out. I don't know what to do. I'm out of ideas, I hope it gets better.
8 comments:
Ann, as you know I grew up in Hailey's position! I *know* what she is going through. From that point of view, not from a parents point view I know what I am talking about. I don't have xp with a child in that situation, but I have been in that situation my self. So here are my thoughts.
Children, especially teenagers are like clay, they start out just a blob, yet they have potential to be something truly great. They need to be cared for, molded very carefully. Every single child has this potential, some clay is softer, so it needs more attention. However, all clay if squeezed too hard will escape between your fingers. You and Daren are squeezing too hard. The harder you squeeze, the more she will escape right through your fingers! Let her go, let her do what she wants, dont *make* her do anything except homework and her chores. You CANNOT be a parent to a teenager, you MUST be a friend. Her friends have more influence over her than you, Daren, or Mike will *ever* have until she is an adult. You will NOT win. But, if you are her friend, you will have influence. As a parent, you wont.
The Moweeda thing is a joke, that will never work, it will make her worse. Dont do anything damaging, she will *never* forget it.
Let her be free, trust me she will go crazy for a bit, she might get hurt, you wont see her for awhile. But soon after she will realize whats important, she will come home and truly be the beautiful angel she is.
Travis thank you for what you said, it is just so hard. Your post just made me bawl because it is so hard to watch her just go and do what she is doing. I will take your advice and I will chill, I'm not letting her leave but I probably need to chill. Thanks i appreciate it.
I agree in a way with Trav, but still think there should be some restrictions and parenting verses being totally a friend..
Jenny, just think of this time in your life as a little phase which will pass. Like you said: most of the time she is good, plays with the kids and spends time with you.. But teenagers can not live without an ocasional bomb.. It's like with Aimee, she comes to stay with us and everything is perfect, she is an angel.. But I know in my heart that there will be a bomb soon enough and I am ok with it because it's just what they do, like what we as adults do every now and then.. So, lets let them have it once in a while.. =)
I was a very bad teenager, I swore and hit my mom and ran away at 14.. As long as we give them a good solid base I don't think we should worry much..
I love you and I wish you get through these times with as much ease!
P.S. You are an exellent mom and you have always been an awesome example to me. I have always looked up to you and what you do with your beautiful kids! Hailey has a wonderful childhood and she is blessed to have a mom like you. The good things you taught her are in her blood, she has a beautiful soul and will be just fine!!! <3
Hi Jenn. I wanna be part of you private blog it you do. So let me know. As for Haily...Now I can see both Trav and Anya's comments. And I can somewhat agree with both of them. I to have been exactly where Hailey is. After my dad had his heartattack and was pretty much none exsistant I went off the deep end myself, and being that it wasn't to long ago I can only tell you what worked for me. I think that every child is different, you can't disapline each child the same. For example I would get a spanking if I was bad. That usually did the trick. But my brother was way more threatened by a time out or grounding. So anyway, if you were in a normal situation of say bad friends and not so great actions( drinking or something.) I would say you could somewhat take trav's advice but where there is self mutilation involve there is more need for more than just friendship from her parents. She needs disapline...now what kind of disapline is where the trick is. I can't answer that for you but. For the sounds of it grounding her isn't going to do the trick and you certainly can't spank her. But I think honestly that you are on the right path. Each child needs desapline and want restrictions. And they will try you and try you until you think you are going to break!! They want to know you limits. And if you break they will know it and they will push that button over and over and over, til you have nothing left. You have got to stay strong. Don't give in but don't set you stander for her so high that it is unreachable. Don't say anything that reflects that if she keeps this up this lifestyle that she will never mount to anything. Because like both Trav and Anya she has so much potential it is you job as a parent to show and tell her what that potential can and should be. When you as a teenager are in that situation you feel like your friends are the only thing that matter but I really think that she needs parents to be parents and friends there is no reason that you can't be both. There are times when you "need" to be a parent (when she is doing things she isn't supposed to) and there are going to be times you "can" be here friend (like when she comes in your room to hang out with you) Just make sure that she knows that you love her and that you will always be there and that you are never going to give up on here. That is what a friend would say and that is what a parent would say. I think you are doing the best you can which is a great job, just keep it up!!! The Lord wouldn't give you both this trial if he didn't think you could overcome it. "Come what may, and love it" Joseph B Worthlin. Those are my thoughts but what do I know I am just a "new" Step sister. By the way I love you and all of your family thank for being so excepting!
Thank you all sooo much, I really needed to hear what you all said. I totally appreciate your advice. I want to thank you all more but I'm going to bed but I wanted to just tell you all I love you and thank you sooo much!!
I deleted my other comment because it was too long. Here's hoping I can condense what I was trying to say.
Parenting is so hard because of all the variables. Each kid is different, each parenting style is unique. What might work for one child will not work for another. Some kids no matter what type of parent they have are more rebellious (me) and some are content to follow the rules. Some kids are easier to parent than others. It sucks, but it's life.
For me, my mom was very much the "try to be my friend" type of mom and I resented it and I felt I should have had more rules. I also know individuals who's parents were very strict and they resented it. It is so hard to find the right balance of friend/parent. My mom was also very inconsistent and
it was hard to know when I would get in trouble and when it would be okay for doing the same thing. So I think consistency is key.
No matter how my parents parented me or what circumstances were handed to me in my life I ultimately made the choices I did in my life no matter good and bad. I have no one to blame but myself. I also endured the consequences and that was at times very difficult. Unfortunately we all have to reap what we sow and so will Hailey. It changes us, hopefully for the better but it always involves much heartache. As parents we have to watch and hurt probably just as much as the kids, if not more, especially those of us who have been there before.
You can't change the choices Hailey has made or will make, but you do need to try and guide her in the right direction (no matter if it is being her friend or being her parent), so one day she can make it back and hopefully the consequences will not have been too great.
Also I think counseling is a great start, especially when self destructive behavior is involved (especially cutting).
Pray to Heavenly Father and he will guide you to know how to handle this situation. He knows Hailey and he knows you. He will guide you to the appropriate solution and to the appropriate people to help you with this. It seems you already have Taft and Jill to ease some of your burden and keep an open doorway of communication with Hailey. Sometimes aunts, uncles or another trusted adult can help get through more than the parents - who the kids think don't understand what they are going through.
I am off to break up another fight for the day. I wish we had a military school near by. ; )
Post a Comment