I feel like I feel, there is not a word for it....

I just read the saddest blog I have ever read and the most spiritual. There are some strong momma's out there. I am weak, so weak. I could not go through what they go through, how do you deal with a sick baby, how do you deal with the loss of a baby?? I pray daily that I will be a better mother and I feel like i'm just getting worse. I don't know how to raise a teenager, I don't. I can take care of babies, give me 5 toddlers at once, I can do it, but don't give me a teenager. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know!! I love my kids so much, they are so wonderful at everything they do, their teachers love them, the neighbors love them, and I love them but I feel so inadequate.

I have thought a lot about my sweet mom today. A thought will never leave my mind of the day she dies. The mortuary came after a while and took her out on a gurney in a white zipped up bag. I turned to look at my dad and he was heart broken, I have never seen him so sad in all my life, he was sobbing. He lost his best friend, he lost his wife that he took care of his whole marriage, he was empty. I saw him with her a lot. I was there 4 days a week. My mom loved him so much, she hated when he would go fishing or to the cabin without her. She would get so jealous. My dad teased her daily with chicken poop hands, cold hands, stinky fish, anything and he made her laugh, he made her happy everyday. I miss seeing them together, I miss my mom, I miss feeding her, cleaning her, talking to her. I talked to everyday about life. I never talked to anyone like I talked to her. She asked everyday how things where. I know she thought I was dumb most of the time, she never told me that she always agreed with me. She worried about all her kids, she loved each one and would ask about them each. She loved my babies, my newborns, she loved my kids. She taught me how to love my kids, she taught me how to serve. I remember her always taking in neighbor kids, she would kiss them and love them. I always dreamed that she would be better one day, that she would come over to my house and walk through my front door. I was so selfish most of the time, I begged that Heavenly Father would make her better because I needed help. I miss her so much, I miss so much about her.