Love them

Well today has been nice, I cleaned my house and Luke and his friend Nathan played and made messes. I am grateful though for the little messes and big ones. I can't imagine my life without the chaos and messes. I love these little ones running around the house. Luke totally loves transformers and I call him Mega Luke and he transforms to a bug. He doesn't like it too much but I have to have fun with him. He can transform those people into machines. He is so smart. He doesn't talk too well but he sure has a brain. He can do any puzzle you put in front of him. Time is going way too fast. The months just fly by. Muriaa will be 14 on Friday, it seems like she was just born yesterday. My sweet daughter Hailey is 17 and I am amazed by it everyday. I want her to be 5 forever. She came to my work the other day with a pierced lip. I told her it looked bad and to take it out. Uggg, like I have said before I suck at parenting teenagers.

We had a fun Valentines Saturday with the kids, we went to a Kameron's baptism and then we made cookies. Luke, Aleeya, and Noah helped. Kneaders has the best sugar cookie recipe seriously EVER!! Daran took me to Walmart to get groceries and I hated it. That place depresses me for some reason. Valentine's Day was blah, Daran didn't get me anything and I was mad. I didn't let him know and I know he doesn't read this but it hurt my feelings, I got him stuff and a card and the kids stuff. Aleeya made me a card it was really cute. So I snuck home from church after sacrament and I crashed, I slept for two hours. It was heaven!! I had to explain myself to the kids but oh well. Then we fixed dinner ate then played Mario Brothers on the Wii and Daran got a little huffy at me and Aleeya for playing sucky so we ended up not happy the rest of the day. Uggg it's just stressful around here with him being gone all the time and me working on weekends so we see each other for a couple hours each week. Enough complaining, I didn't mean to do that.

I feel like I feel, there is not a word for it....

I just read the saddest blog I have ever read and the most spiritual. There are some strong momma's out there. I am weak, so weak. I could not go through what they go through, how do you deal with a sick baby, how do you deal with the loss of a baby?? I pray daily that I will be a better mother and I feel like i'm just getting worse. I don't know how to raise a teenager, I don't. I can take care of babies, give me 5 toddlers at once, I can do it, but don't give me a teenager. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know!! I love my kids so much, they are so wonderful at everything they do, their teachers love them, the neighbors love them, and I love them but I feel so inadequate.

I have thought a lot about my sweet mom today. A thought will never leave my mind of the day she dies. The mortuary came after a while and took her out on a gurney in a white zipped up bag. I turned to look at my dad and he was heart broken, I have never seen him so sad in all my life, he was sobbing. He lost his best friend, he lost his wife that he took care of his whole marriage, he was empty. I saw him with her a lot. I was there 4 days a week. My mom loved him so much, she hated when he would go fishing or to the cabin without her. She would get so jealous. My dad teased her daily with chicken poop hands, cold hands, stinky fish, anything and he made her laugh, he made her happy everyday. I miss seeing them together, I miss my mom, I miss feeding her, cleaning her, talking to her. I talked to everyday about life. I never talked to anyone like I talked to her. She asked everyday how things where. I know she thought I was dumb most of the time, she never told me that she always agreed with me. She worried about all her kids, she loved each one and would ask about them each. She loved my babies, my newborns, she loved my kids. She taught me how to love my kids, she taught me how to serve. I remember her always taking in neighbor kids, she would kiss them and love them. I always dreamed that she would be better one day, that she would come over to my house and walk through my front door. I was so selfish most of the time, I begged that Heavenly Father would make her better because I needed help. I miss her so much, I miss so much about her.

It's Monday!!

I was going to take Luke on a walk/jog and got all ready, went outside and the stroller has a flat!! AHHHHH!! Oh well! We went for a stroll it was nice. I got up this morning got laundry done and cleaned the kitchen...thanks Daran! He is supposed to do it on Sundays! he is busy though so it's all good. We went to dinner at my dad's house it was so good I WAY over ate! I was so happy to not have to cook it was great but I felt guilty at everything Traci had to do! The kids were so excited to go over to Grandpa's, they love the gym! Muriaa spoke in sacrament yesterday, t was really good, she bore an awesome testimony! She has been working on her personal progress to get her medallion. I am so proud of her. I love my kids so much. I am sick to my stonache about Hailey though, she has a new girlfriend this week. BLECH!! I can't stand the thought. I know I need to just love her and have charity towards her but Oh my! I just don't know how to deal with her.

I scheduled myself 5-9 for the next 3 days, what was I thinking??? I hate leaving my kids! I would rather be going to school or something but can't so whatev! I wish we could sell our house, I need to make a list of what I need to get done everyday. Not enough time or money to get done what I need.

It is Monday!! I feel like it is the worst day of my life!!! It isn't really but it feels like it right now. Lukey will NOT go poopy on the toilet and he poopied all over, it is so frustrating, I ever had to go through this with the other 4, they were done by the time they were 2, even Noah!! Luke is 3 for crying out loud!!!!!!! So here we go another day of Luke on the potty every hour! I worked Saturday and Sunday and Daran has been sick so he didn't get Luke n the potty, the house is a mess, Luke can destroy a room in 10 minutes!! I come home from work very tired and I feel like Daran could help put more but he doesn't. Yep, I'm complaining! I am getting bored at my job, so I applied for 2 jobs last week. I love working at Macy's but we are going into slow season and it gets so boring!! I have been cleaning and doing laundry all morning and it is boring also!!!

It is so stressful when Daran is gone 15 hours a day Mon-Fri and then I work all weekend!!! It just isn't working out!

Wow, I nned to get back to this blogging thing...

I have so much fun reading blogs and reading up on ideas for crafts and stuff. I wish I had more time in the day. I spent about an hour on the phone with ORS today trying to figure out stuff with my ex and child support it got cut almost 3oo dollars because he is paying for insurance. I am glad he is paying for insurance but not so glad for the cost. My kids haven't been insured in about a year. I owe 2 grand on Aleeya's braces and ORS won't make my ex pay any of it. BLAH! I forgave my ex 5 thousand a couple years ago so he could get married in the temple but it didn't go through. Now he is another 4 thousand behind, we have 2 broken crappy vehicles, one without a transmission so he told me he would fix it if I forgave him child support again!! Daran is driving the van to SL everyday and it costa about 100 every two weeks so we are going to do it. Makes me sick but what do ya do? The van is not going to pass emissions or inspection in June so we need to look for another van, crazy!!!!

We are trying to sell our house, well sort of, it's not listed or anything. I want a rambler but we are poor as ever. Daran is working 70 hours a week, I am working about 12 and we seem to never get anywhere!! Kids are dang expensive, groceries are killing us! We are trying to cut back, we don't have cable, I got a cheap phone instead of my iPhone so no internet, I gave one of our garbage cans back to Kaysville City. We had a phone line ofr hailey and we cut that off, she can get her own!! Craziness!!

I worked nights Sunday and Monday and it has been so hard to get back to the norm!! I have been so tired. But my house is clean and laundry is done and I made oatmeal cookies today for the kids, they are all with Mike right now, he takes them to dinner every other Thursday. I was going to go up to my dad's house to visit but I decided not to. He moved into his new house, it is very nice! I helped him and Traci move in Friday, I hope they relax a little bit and enjoy their house and live in it not worry so much. The most important things in life are not things!!!! I need to remember that.

I want to go to school and have been for about a year I went last summer to check into DATC and we can't afford it because I have to work and I can't do both. I hope I will be able to go one day! Right now I need to focus all my energy on my kids, they are wonderful, I love them so much it hurts sometimes!! I worry about them everyday. I have not talked to Hailey since Christmas Day, she made me really mad and I'm tired of her, she wares me out and I'm done!! I'm done!!! I hope to get back to blogging weekly or at least monthly, so much goes on in my life that I like writing it down. I am off to play with my Luke!!

*sigh*

So I need to blog more, that is what my sigh is for.

I got released from my 11 year old girls primary class today, work is in the way of my girls dangit. Daran got called into the nursery, he is pretty excited. Mike had the kids this weekend but Hailey stayed with me. Hailey and Crystal came to church. Here is a pic of Hailey with her hair braided it took me forever. I just love her to death!
Muriaa and Aleeya had all-star tryouts Saturday. Muriaa didn't have to go the 14 year old team already asked her to be on their team but she wants to do the 12 year old team. I told her she can pick. She is pitching so good. I love to watch her gmaes. Aleeya is doing great also.

Luke is getting so big. Julie and Josh flew me out to New Mexico so I could stop nursing Luke and so I could watch Heath. It was so relaxing, Julie fed me so good. The food there is amazing. Heath was tons of fun. He is so cute, he loves to be chased, and when I would come around the corner I would scare him and he made the funniest noise. HAHAHA! My sister is a VERY hard worker, she is an amazing nurse. She worked morning to night. I spent some time at her work and she is over all the nurses and she solves all of their problems. SHe works so hard, she is very good at what she does. She is very talented, and works hard. She runs a tight ship. People would call in sick and she would tell them unless they are in the hospital dying they had to work. Everyone at her work loves her. She is a beautiful person. I love ya sis!! Some pics of baby Heath. I will never forget the mannequins we saw, they had HUGE A**es!! Oh my heck!! I was dying.

NM, Albuquerque Temple

It's 4:15 a.m. and I can't sleep, what better time to blog than now..

Life is just one big amusement park, I didn't say my body is, I said life is. Sometimes it's fun and sometimes it's not. I know that at the end of the day I'm tired. Oh, it's 4 am and I can't sleep?? Hmmm, I have too much on my mind, my 16 year old is just making me so worried. I want to just take her and sit her down, turn her over and spank her, HARD!!! I have never worried so much in my life about anyone. She is living with her dad and has no rules, well I didn't have rules, I had expectations. Anyway, I just pray for her all day long. I love her so so so much. She is my first born, I had her alone for 3 years, I fell in love with that cute little baby. She did make Queen in a baby contest out of 170 babies I think. She got first, she was a beautiful baby and little girl, she still is beautiful.

I have an appointment with workforce services on Tuesday to look into going to school. I guess there is some money for training for 2009, so I applied. Blech school. I really need to get a degree though. I am working part-time at Macy's, which I love. I really wanted to apply for a HR position, it's an assistant part-time but only days and I can't stick my baby with a sitter. No way. I am still nursing Luke, Daran hates it, he doesn't support it at all. I go through spurts of wanting to quit. I need to get back into shape, I'm anemic, I am tired too much.

Daran graduates next week, but then it all starts over, he wants to keep going. I have supported his schooling for 3 years I'm tired of it. I'm ready for him to get a decent job and a normal schedule. His schedule our whole marriage has been school all day, work at 3 until midnight. I do everything with the kids and home alone. I try not to complain, I know it's for the better, it just sucks. I appreciate him for his hard work. I just want a clean kitchen on Sundays. haha.

Luke is in speech therapy and he went from weekly to monthly now to every other week. He just isn't up to where he should be. He is so much fun, he brings us all so much joy. I wish I could have 3 more kids, I would if I could. I love being a mother but DAMN groceries are expensive. Kids are expensive. I am expensive. I spend half of my check that I get from Macy's at Macy's, I will stop this May 1st. I can't pass up the good deals but who needs it all. I buy Aleeya and Luke stuff, no one else really cares. Luke has every Nike outfit that Macy's makes, not really but sheeesh. Aleeya is a clothes aholic. I like it.

I submitted my application for my temple blessings to be restored and I'm awaiting in the results, crossing my fingers but not getting too excited. I had to write a letter to the First Presidency and that was hard and stressful. But I did it, Daran had to write a letter and Mike and my bishop. TMI I know. I'm not the perfect obedient person that I should be.

Well it is 4:37 in the am and I know this blog is useless without pics so next time I will be posting pics. I can imagine the spelling errors and grammar errors but oh well, deal with it.