So fun, so much love.

I am so happy to have all of my kids!! So many times I think what was I thinking, but I can't imagine life without a single one of them. Hailey stayed that past couple of days with me and she was just pleasant and happy. She took me to a movie last night, How to slay dragons, it was awesome!! I worry about her a lot, but I have so much love for her, she was my first baby, and we had good times before my next baby 3 years later. Aleeya went to St. George with Grandpa Higley, she was so excited. I hope she has fun.

Muriaa and Grandpa, Luke and I went to New Mexico to stay with Julie while she had her cute little Berky! It was nice to have some warm weather. It was very nice to see such a cute little baby. Luke enjoyed it and he was very good on the ride home 11 hours. He is such a good little boy, I am so lucky, he makes me smile everyday! He loves everyone around him.

Happy Birthday MOM!!!

(Yesterday)
Ewwww I was so ornery yesterday at exactly 3:45. I don't know what got into me, I have no idea, no PMS, nothing. I spent the day with Luke and his buddy Nathan they get together everyday and they are just so cute because they are so different. Nathan totally loves sports, give him a ball and he is in heaven and he is very opinionated. He will call anyone a loser. I don't think Luke knows what that word means. Luke is so into transforming transformers and Power Rangers. Nathans mom said she was shocked that Luke could transform her older sons transformer in about 3 minutes and it takes her 4 hours. He also can do any puzzle, he loves doing puzzles. He has his daddy's brain. Anyway, so Luke went to Nate's house for a while and I finished laundry and cleaned the bathroom. Then I went and got Luke and of course he hates to leave Nathan so I tell him we are going to go get balloons for Grandma Higley's grave and he fell asleep asw soon as I left the house. UUGGGG sorry mom no balloons. Soooo we went to mom's grave and I left Luke in the car I didn't stay long. It was funny there was a little glass pot with fake greens in it, hmmm who gave her that??? Someone gave her some pretty flowers too. I miss her tons, she loved Burnt Almond Fudge ice cream and fish and chips. That just came to my mind. Weird!

We had drama at my house this morning and I am still boggled over it. Noah is in his room, in his bed. He refused to go to school this morning and I have no idea why. He has never done this ever before. He is a really good kid, very quiet. doesn't say much. Actually worries me because he will never talk to me. So I gave hi the choice to stay in his bed all day or talk to me about why he doesn't want to go to school and I will take him to school. Se he decided to stay in his bed. He will get hungry I imagine sometime. I feel so mean but the kid needs to deal. I had to work last night and I have to work again tonight and Daran works 2 jobs so no one is home with all the kids and I hate it! Luke isn't insured and hasn't been and I really need to apply for CHIP or something. Thanks heavens we have not been sick this year. (knocking,knocking) Noah and Luke have had a cold and that's it.

Daran and I can't agree about what to do with the house, sell it, or not sell it. ANd we have equity and Daran wants to cash it all out and pay off all of our bills. I say NO and put it all to the next house. I dunno it's an ongoing thing. He has student loans and we have 1 credit card that we used for groceries when I wasn't getting child support, and a credit card for fixing the house up. It is stressful, I hate it. It could be worse though, I am glad to have a house to live in and a good neighborhood.
Some pics of Nathan....

Love them

Well today has been nice, I cleaned my house and Luke and his friend Nathan played and made messes. I am grateful though for the little messes and big ones. I can't imagine my life without the chaos and messes. I love these little ones running around the house. Luke totally loves transformers and I call him Mega Luke and he transforms to a bug. He doesn't like it too much but I have to have fun with him. He can transform those people into machines. He is so smart. He doesn't talk too well but he sure has a brain. He can do any puzzle you put in front of him. Time is going way too fast. The months just fly by. Muriaa will be 14 on Friday, it seems like she was just born yesterday. My sweet daughter Hailey is 17 and I am amazed by it everyday. I want her to be 5 forever. She came to my work the other day with a pierced lip. I told her it looked bad and to take it out. Uggg, like I have said before I suck at parenting teenagers.

We had a fun Valentines Saturday with the kids, we went to a Kameron's baptism and then we made cookies. Luke, Aleeya, and Noah helped. Kneaders has the best sugar cookie recipe seriously EVER!! Daran took me to Walmart to get groceries and I hated it. That place depresses me for some reason. Valentine's Day was blah, Daran didn't get me anything and I was mad. I didn't let him know and I know he doesn't read this but it hurt my feelings, I got him stuff and a card and the kids stuff. Aleeya made me a card it was really cute. So I snuck home from church after sacrament and I crashed, I slept for two hours. It was heaven!! I had to explain myself to the kids but oh well. Then we fixed dinner ate then played Mario Brothers on the Wii and Daran got a little huffy at me and Aleeya for playing sucky so we ended up not happy the rest of the day. Uggg it's just stressful around here with him being gone all the time and me working on weekends so we see each other for a couple hours each week. Enough complaining, I didn't mean to do that.

I feel like I feel, there is not a word for it....

I just read the saddest blog I have ever read and the most spiritual. There are some strong momma's out there. I am weak, so weak. I could not go through what they go through, how do you deal with a sick baby, how do you deal with the loss of a baby?? I pray daily that I will be a better mother and I feel like i'm just getting worse. I don't know how to raise a teenager, I don't. I can take care of babies, give me 5 toddlers at once, I can do it, but don't give me a teenager. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know!! I love my kids so much, they are so wonderful at everything they do, their teachers love them, the neighbors love them, and I love them but I feel so inadequate.

I have thought a lot about my sweet mom today. A thought will never leave my mind of the day she dies. The mortuary came after a while and took her out on a gurney in a white zipped up bag. I turned to look at my dad and he was heart broken, I have never seen him so sad in all my life, he was sobbing. He lost his best friend, he lost his wife that he took care of his whole marriage, he was empty. I saw him with her a lot. I was there 4 days a week. My mom loved him so much, she hated when he would go fishing or to the cabin without her. She would get so jealous. My dad teased her daily with chicken poop hands, cold hands, stinky fish, anything and he made her laugh, he made her happy everyday. I miss seeing them together, I miss my mom, I miss feeding her, cleaning her, talking to her. I talked to everyday about life. I never talked to anyone like I talked to her. She asked everyday how things where. I know she thought I was dumb most of the time, she never told me that she always agreed with me. She worried about all her kids, she loved each one and would ask about them each. She loved my babies, my newborns, she loved my kids. She taught me how to love my kids, she taught me how to serve. I remember her always taking in neighbor kids, she would kiss them and love them. I always dreamed that she would be better one day, that she would come over to my house and walk through my front door. I was so selfish most of the time, I begged that Heavenly Father would make her better because I needed help. I miss her so much, I miss so much about her.

It's Monday!!

I was going to take Luke on a walk/jog and got all ready, went outside and the stroller has a flat!! AHHHHH!! Oh well! We went for a stroll it was nice. I got up this morning got laundry done and cleaned the kitchen...thanks Daran! He is supposed to do it on Sundays! he is busy though so it's all good. We went to dinner at my dad's house it was so good I WAY over ate! I was so happy to not have to cook it was great but I felt guilty at everything Traci had to do! The kids were so excited to go over to Grandpa's, they love the gym! Muriaa spoke in sacrament yesterday, t was really good, she bore an awesome testimony! She has been working on her personal progress to get her medallion. I am so proud of her. I love my kids so much. I am sick to my stonache about Hailey though, she has a new girlfriend this week. BLECH!! I can't stand the thought. I know I need to just love her and have charity towards her but Oh my! I just don't know how to deal with her.

I scheduled myself 5-9 for the next 3 days, what was I thinking??? I hate leaving my kids! I would rather be going to school or something but can't so whatev! I wish we could sell our house, I need to make a list of what I need to get done everyday. Not enough time or money to get done what I need.

It is Monday!! I feel like it is the worst day of my life!!! It isn't really but it feels like it right now. Lukey will NOT go poopy on the toilet and he poopied all over, it is so frustrating, I ever had to go through this with the other 4, they were done by the time they were 2, even Noah!! Luke is 3 for crying out loud!!!!!!! So here we go another day of Luke on the potty every hour! I worked Saturday and Sunday and Daran has been sick so he didn't get Luke n the potty, the house is a mess, Luke can destroy a room in 10 minutes!! I come home from work very tired and I feel like Daran could help put more but he doesn't. Yep, I'm complaining! I am getting bored at my job, so I applied for 2 jobs last week. I love working at Macy's but we are going into slow season and it gets so boring!! I have been cleaning and doing laundry all morning and it is boring also!!!

It is so stressful when Daran is gone 15 hours a day Mon-Fri and then I work all weekend!!! It just isn't working out!

Wow, I nned to get back to this blogging thing...

I have so much fun reading blogs and reading up on ideas for crafts and stuff. I wish I had more time in the day. I spent about an hour on the phone with ORS today trying to figure out stuff with my ex and child support it got cut almost 3oo dollars because he is paying for insurance. I am glad he is paying for insurance but not so glad for the cost. My kids haven't been insured in about a year. I owe 2 grand on Aleeya's braces and ORS won't make my ex pay any of it. BLAH! I forgave my ex 5 thousand a couple years ago so he could get married in the temple but it didn't go through. Now he is another 4 thousand behind, we have 2 broken crappy vehicles, one without a transmission so he told me he would fix it if I forgave him child support again!! Daran is driving the van to SL everyday and it costa about 100 every two weeks so we are going to do it. Makes me sick but what do ya do? The van is not going to pass emissions or inspection in June so we need to look for another van, crazy!!!!

We are trying to sell our house, well sort of, it's not listed or anything. I want a rambler but we are poor as ever. Daran is working 70 hours a week, I am working about 12 and we seem to never get anywhere!! Kids are dang expensive, groceries are killing us! We are trying to cut back, we don't have cable, I got a cheap phone instead of my iPhone so no internet, I gave one of our garbage cans back to Kaysville City. We had a phone line ofr hailey and we cut that off, she can get her own!! Craziness!!

I worked nights Sunday and Monday and it has been so hard to get back to the norm!! I have been so tired. But my house is clean and laundry is done and I made oatmeal cookies today for the kids, they are all with Mike right now, he takes them to dinner every other Thursday. I was going to go up to my dad's house to visit but I decided not to. He moved into his new house, it is very nice! I helped him and Traci move in Friday, I hope they relax a little bit and enjoy their house and live in it not worry so much. The most important things in life are not things!!!! I need to remember that.

I want to go to school and have been for about a year I went last summer to check into DATC and we can't afford it because I have to work and I can't do both. I hope I will be able to go one day! Right now I need to focus all my energy on my kids, they are wonderful, I love them so much it hurts sometimes!! I worry about them everyday. I have not talked to Hailey since Christmas Day, she made me really mad and I'm tired of her, she wares me out and I'm done!! I'm done!!! I hope to get back to blogging weekly or at least monthly, so much goes on in my life that I like writing it down. I am off to play with my Luke!!