Love them

Well today has been nice, I cleaned my house and Luke and his friend Nathan played and made messes. I am grateful though for the little messes and big ones. I can't imagine my life without the chaos and messes. I love these little ones running around the house. Luke totally loves transformers and I call him Mega Luke and he transforms to a bug. He doesn't like it too much but I have to have fun with him. He can transform those people into machines. He is so smart. He doesn't talk too well but he sure has a brain. He can do any puzzle you put in front of him. Time is going way too fast. The months just fly by. Muriaa will be 14 on Friday, it seems like she was just born yesterday. My sweet daughter Hailey is 17 and I am amazed by it everyday. I want her to be 5 forever. She came to my work the other day with a pierced lip. I told her it looked bad and to take it out. Uggg, like I have said before I suck at parenting teenagers.

We had a fun Valentines Saturday with the kids, we went to a Kameron's baptism and then we made cookies. Luke, Aleeya, and Noah helped. Kneaders has the best sugar cookie recipe seriously EVER!! Daran took me to Walmart to get groceries and I hated it. That place depresses me for some reason. Valentine's Day was blah, Daran didn't get me anything and I was mad. I didn't let him know and I know he doesn't read this but it hurt my feelings, I got him stuff and a card and the kids stuff. Aleeya made me a card it was really cute. So I snuck home from church after sacrament and I crashed, I slept for two hours. It was heaven!! I had to explain myself to the kids but oh well. Then we fixed dinner ate then played Mario Brothers on the Wii and Daran got a little huffy at me and Aleeya for playing sucky so we ended up not happy the rest of the day. Uggg it's just stressful around here with him being gone all the time and me working on weekends so we see each other for a couple hours each week. Enough complaining, I didn't mean to do that.

I feel like I feel, there is not a word for it....

I just read the saddest blog I have ever read and the most spiritual. There are some strong momma's out there. I am weak, so weak. I could not go through what they go through, how do you deal with a sick baby, how do you deal with the loss of a baby?? I pray daily that I will be a better mother and I feel like i'm just getting worse. I don't know how to raise a teenager, I don't. I can take care of babies, give me 5 toddlers at once, I can do it, but don't give me a teenager. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know!! I love my kids so much, they are so wonderful at everything they do, their teachers love them, the neighbors love them, and I love them but I feel so inadequate.

I have thought a lot about my sweet mom today. A thought will never leave my mind of the day she dies. The mortuary came after a while and took her out on a gurney in a white zipped up bag. I turned to look at my dad and he was heart broken, I have never seen him so sad in all my life, he was sobbing. He lost his best friend, he lost his wife that he took care of his whole marriage, he was empty. I saw him with her a lot. I was there 4 days a week. My mom loved him so much, she hated when he would go fishing or to the cabin without her. She would get so jealous. My dad teased her daily with chicken poop hands, cold hands, stinky fish, anything and he made her laugh, he made her happy everyday. I miss seeing them together, I miss my mom, I miss feeding her, cleaning her, talking to her. I talked to everyday about life. I never talked to anyone like I talked to her. She asked everyday how things where. I know she thought I was dumb most of the time, she never told me that she always agreed with me. She worried about all her kids, she loved each one and would ask about them each. She loved my babies, my newborns, she loved my kids. She taught me how to love my kids, she taught me how to serve. I remember her always taking in neighbor kids, she would kiss them and love them. I always dreamed that she would be better one day, that she would come over to my house and walk through my front door. I was so selfish most of the time, I begged that Heavenly Father would make her better because I needed help. I miss her so much, I miss so much about her.

It's Monday!!

I was going to take Luke on a walk/jog and got all ready, went outside and the stroller has a flat!! AHHHHH!! Oh well! We went for a stroll it was nice. I got up this morning got laundry done and cleaned the kitchen...thanks Daran! He is supposed to do it on Sundays! he is busy though so it's all good. We went to dinner at my dad's house it was so good I WAY over ate! I was so happy to not have to cook it was great but I felt guilty at everything Traci had to do! The kids were so excited to go over to Grandpa's, they love the gym! Muriaa spoke in sacrament yesterday, t was really good, she bore an awesome testimony! She has been working on her personal progress to get her medallion. I am so proud of her. I love my kids so much. I am sick to my stonache about Hailey though, she has a new girlfriend this week. BLECH!! I can't stand the thought. I know I need to just love her and have charity towards her but Oh my! I just don't know how to deal with her.

I scheduled myself 5-9 for the next 3 days, what was I thinking??? I hate leaving my kids! I would rather be going to school or something but can't so whatev! I wish we could sell our house, I need to make a list of what I need to get done everyday. Not enough time or money to get done what I need.